Condolence messages: what to write when you don’t know what to say

If you’re here, someone you care about is grieving. You want to reach out, and you’re worried about getting it wrong.

Here’s the most important thing: there are no perfect words. What people remember is that you said something. A short, honest message means more than a long, polished one.

What helps

Keep it simple. A few lines is enough.
Use their name. Saying the name of the person who died can be a real comfort.
Share a memory, if you have one. Even a small one. It reminds the family that their person mattered to other people too.
Offer something specific. “I’m dropping a meal round on Thursday” is easier to accept than “let me know if you need anything”.
Don’t expect a reply. You can say so. It takes the pressure off.

What to avoid

Trying to explain the loss, or find a silver lining.
”I know how you feel”. Everyone’s grief is their own.
Making the message about your own experience.

Words you can borrow

Use these as they are, or as a starting point.

For a card

“I’m so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.”
”With love and deepest sympathy at this sad time.”
”Sending you love. I’m here whenever you need me.”

When you knew them

“I’m so sorry about Sam. I’ll always remember how he made everyone laugh at the office party.”
”Your mum was one of the kindest people I’ve known. I feel lucky to have known her.”
”I’ll miss her. I’m thinking of you all.”

For a text

“Just heard the news. I’m so sorry. No need to reply, just know I’m thinking of you.”
”Thinking of you today. I’m around if you want to talk, or not talk.”

For a colleague

“I was so sorry to hear about your loss. Please take all the time you need.”
”Thinking of you and your family. We’re all here for you.”

For later on

“I’ve been thinking about you. How are you doing?”
”Remembering your dad today. I know it’s a hard one.”

Grief doesn’t end after the funeral. A message a few weeks or months later, or on an anniversary, often means the most.

Supporting the people organising things

When someone dies, a few people usually end up doing a lot. Making calls, sorting paperwork, telling friends. If you know who they are, a message to them can help too. So can a practical offer: taking on some of the phone calls, or helping with food for the wake.

A place for messages

When someone is on Twentyfive, the people they chose as gatekeepers can share their page. It can become a gentle place to remember them, where friends and family can find their wishes and leave their own words.

Whatever you write, and wherever you write it, it will be read with gratitude.